Introspective, Retrospective, Scanned Slides

[FlyingSquirrel]

What do I want? WHAT do I REALLY want? That question came into my mind about one and a half years ago. Why? It was at that time, at 31 years of age, that I decided what I did NOT want: to spend the rest of my life, unfulfilled...to never touch my true potential...to never know what I am capable of achieving...to accept my ‘fate’ as someone who was never meant to succeed, never destined to live their dream. I won’t dwell on why I was at this point in my life at this age, or how I got there. But I will tell you, that decision, specifically, set in motion a chain reaction of thoughts, ideas, attitudes, and behaviors, which have led me to where I am, and what I’m doing, today.

So, one and a half years ago, after deciding what I did NOT want, I asked myself, “What DO I want?” The answer that my mind gave me was: “To do what I enjoy, every day. To use my talents and abilities, to create and do something more, to find a way to do what I love, and make a living at it.” At this point, if you are thinking “photography,” you would be incorrect. My conscious brain was, at that time, not ready to admit, or accept, that photography was my true dream. The idea had been locked away for far too long; all hope, for a life of photography, had sunken to the darkest depths of the ocean of my mind. However, the first rays of light had begun to penetrate the darkness…

What I decided, was that I would utilize my passion for nature and plants, to start a terrarium making business. The idea of starting my own business was intimidating, particularly for someone with such heavily entrenched, negative attitudes, and low self-esteem. This was, as I said, one and a half years ago. But, the possibility of doing something that I love, and living with passion every day, was a ray of hope that I followed faithfully.

Gradually, I began to turn my life around. I slowly broke down my old patterns, attitudes, and beliefs, and replaced them with the complete opposite. Little did I know, at the time, the idea of being a photographer was breaking loose, and bubbling up from the depths. With each major change and self-improvement, the ocean became a sea, the sea became a lake, the lake became a pond...and one day, several months later, the idea was laying on the shore in front of me: I’m a photographer. I said it out loud: “I’m a photographer...I AM a photographer!” In that moment, everything shifted, on a massive scale. Suddenly, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I felt alive again. My path became very clear; I saw a connection between my past, my present, and my future. Life, before the epiphany, was akin to navigating the world, and all of its challenges, with the flickering light of a small candle. Life, after the realization, is like having the blazing light of the sun at my fingertips.

So, for slightly over a year, photography has increasingly become my life. Aside from my day job, photography is all I think, and all I do. When something takes up a significant amount of time and energy, it makes sense to evaluate it. Why do I love photography? Because it’s art, expression, vision, creativity, communication, exploration, excitement; because it connects me with where I want to be, what I want to see, and what I want to do. Because I feel like it is what I am supposed to do- because it feels right.

After hearing all of this, you might think it would be easy to stay on track. It sounds so simple: have a passion, have a goal, have a dream, and go for it. In the beginning, it was that simple. I’ve picked up a long-lost dream, turned my life around, and am working on catching up for two decades of poorly utilized time. Often, I put my head down and power through things, taking massive actions, making bounding leaps ahead. Sometimes, though, my clarity wavers. Sometimes I look up, and take in the vast view of the challenges and tasks that lie ahead. When I make that mistake, I feel like an ant, at the foot of Mount Everest. However, I always get back on track. “Better late, than never,” I tell myself. “It’s all worth it.” “This is what you are meant to do.” “This is what you want.”

Today, was one of those wavering days. What do I want? I felt like I was slipping, losing track of reality, the brightness and clarity fading. “WHAT do I REALLY want?” I asked myself. I decided, the best way to bring that clarity back, would be to handwrite it out on a piece of paper. While searching for a clipboard, I rifled through a box of miscellaneous folders and supplies. Suddenly, I realized that my hands were touching a notebook, full of photographic slides. “Interesting…perhaps I was supposed to come across these, today,” I thought. I suddenly got excited about the possibilities. I wondered if reviewing images, which I took when I first became passionate about photography as a teenager, could reconnect me to that passion, to that sense of clarity, to where it all began, and what it really means.

Before I knew it, I was frantically examining hundreds of slides. Shortly after that, I was scanning my favorites. Still in the flow, I went directly into “speed editing” the scanned images.

Each image brought back a flood of memories, and I began to feel reconnected with the sense of awe and wonder that I once had. I remembered the trips I went on, the places I explored, the excitement I felt, and what it was like to have a day with nature, simply to have a day with nature. It was never about far-off lands, more extreme situations, or bigger animals. It was enough just to find a tiny mushroom, a trickling waterfall, or a slimy salamander under a log. It was SIMPLE; it was PASSION. WHAT do I REALLY want? THAT is what I want.

….

After realizing the potential for a retrospective story, I began writing. I struggled with some parts of the story, trying to decide if I should really say certain things, or word things in a certain way. In some cases, I worried that it might sound sappy, and that not everyone would connect with it, or understand where I am coming from. However, since this is my story, I let my heart do the writing, feeding off of the memories, emotions, thoughts, and images.

Now, on to the photographs. These are all scanned from color slides that were exposed while I was, roughly, between the ages of 15-20. Film is quite a different beast, from digital. A lot of these photos are not very sharp, have bad focus, or other problems. I’m OK with that. It’s about the subject, the composition, what I saw, and how I felt. I think that comes through, even after all of these years, and even through the journey from a chemical bath to a digital home.

I don’t typically edit photos in Lightroom, for the purpose of sharing, but here I did it for speed. Surprisingly, in most of these old photos, I recognize a strong similarity in composition and simplicity, to what I shoot currently.

Series 1, Plant Life:

[Donald]

A life tutorial, Matt.

Good on you for finding the freedom/confidence/commitment (and whatever other words come to mind) not only to put all this down on writing in a public forum, but to think all those thoughts in the first place. As you suggested early on in the piece, so many of us don't allow our thinking to go to these places.

[Shadowman]

Nice series.

[Bobobird]

So photography was not an acquired thing with you - you were born with the talent. Lucky you!

Now to the words (many words )
Good to know part of your inner thoughts. I say part, because, wine, women, kids, food, cars, horses, etc are missing. Now I have a suggestion for you - use your writing talent to make stories of your pics for magazines and the like.

[Nancy Moran G]

Wonderful, wonderful story. Maybe getting involved with wayward kids could be in your future as a motivator?
Some excellent photos in the group. You must have loved reliving those memories.
Nancy

[Brownbear]

Thanks for sharing Matt. I think it is truly special that you do.

[deetheturk]

Nice images Matt,and an even better story,well done you!

[FlyingSquirrel]

Thank you all for your comments. I was a little worried what the reaction would be like, due to the story being very personal. Glad some of you were touched by it. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

Bobo, yes, writing is a huge part of my life, and I plan to put together some photo essays / articles etc in the future with the aim of getting published. Yet another goal, another step forward!

So photography was not an acquired thing with you - you were born with the talent. Lucky you!

People have told me that I have an innate eye for art, so, maybe. For me it all started when I was very young, as a drawing hobby. I used to draw for hours and hours every day, to the point of having cramped hands. It was there that I developed my understanding of composition, light, shadow, attention to detail, and the like. Pair that with my love of nature, and picking up a camera was a logical thing to do. The first photograph I ever took with a film camera was of a tree frog on a piece of wood. In fact, later I would end up doing a scratchboard piece based on the photo. Anyway, when the frog photo came back from the lab, I was hooked.

Matt

[FrankMi]

Matt, it sounds like you would be extremely good at putting a story with each your pictures. Creatively done, it can enrapture your viewers and enrich their experience of your images. I would love to read what you can share about any one of the images you posted above.

[Nancy Moran G]

Matt,
Some people just sit around and say, whoa is me and live miserably. Congrats on doing something about it.
I was born with no talent!
As Genesis (music group not Bible..) says, 'I can't dance, I can't sing' , and I cannot even draw a stick man very well.
So feel blessed and look forward to more.
Nancy

[FlyingSquirrel]

Matt,
I was born with no talent!

While I am sure you are joking, I will reply with:

EVERYONE is born with talent. Each of us just needs to do our part in the journey of life to find and develop whatever that gift is (can be anything, not just art). We are all special in some way, and we are all meant to do something great.

[IzzieK]

Matt -- I love the way you put your thoughts together of your past, present and future. When it came to that part about plants and loving it, I thought, why not combine them together, make money from the plants and taking photos of them. This is the way I connected with my husband. He is an airplane guy, I've always wanted to delve into photography of which he has no interest aside from taking snapshots of his part supplies for stocktaking. I can't win so why not join him? So I did. I was dragged to fly-in after fly-ins until airplanes practically came out of my ear.

Which brings me to this part -- since you love writing, even your interest in plant life can be a journey too, with photographs to show for it. Go for a blog for a start, even in that some advertisers will catch up with your articles. This was how I was noticed, got published but then in some part of my journey connections played a big part until I've had enough. I told my husband I wanted to retired from that rat race. He agreed because we seldom see one another, me upstairs, him downstairs...not a good life.

Good you have a job on the side ... as photography alone is not really enough to feed your stomach. As Eddie Van Halen said once: If you want to be a rock star or just be famous, then run down the street naked. You'll make the news or something. ... In photography you have to be do something unique that will catch the attention of many people.

Just a thought...writing, photography and life...enjoy them all.

[FlyingSquirrel]

Matt -- I love the way you put your thoughts together of your past, present and future. When it came to that part about plants and loving it, I thought, why not combine them together, make money from the plants and taking photos of them. This is the way I connected with my husband. He is an airplane guy, I've always wanted to delve into photography of which he has no interest aside from taking snapshots of his part supplies for stocktaking. I can't win so why not join him? So I did. I was dragged to fly-in after fly-ins until airplanes practically came out of my ear.

Which brings me to this part -- since you love writing, even your interest in plant life can be a journey too, with photographs to show for it. Go for a blog for a start, even in that some advertisers will catch up with your articles. This was how I was noticed, got published but then in some part of my journey connections played a big part until I've had enough. I told my husband I wanted to retired from that rat race. He agreed because we seldom see one another, me upstairs, him downstairs...not a good life.

Good you have a job on the side ... as photography alone is not really enough to feed your stomach. As Eddie Van Halen said once: If you want to be a rock star or just be famous, then run down the street naked. You'll make the news or something. ... In photography you have to be do something unique that will catch the attention of many people.

Just a thought...writing, photography and life...enjoy them all.

Isabel, thanks a lot for your kind remarks, and your advice.

[GrahamS]

While I am sure you are joking, I will reply with:

EVERYONE is born with talent. Each of us just needs to do our part in the journey of life to find and develop whatever that gift is (can be anything, not just art). We are all special in some way, and we are all meant to do something great.

Bravo! Put this up in lights!