I think that the LACK of shadow on the wall behind the Subject is obvious: and that is what I expected and obviously that’s why I suggested the technique to address the issue that you outlined in the OP.
The lighting is generally soft but there still maintains a little amount of modelling on the face – again that’s what would be expected.
There is a very soft shadow on the face caused by the hat’s brim – again that is what I would expect – for me that is good outcome because HATS and EYE GLASSES can be a real pain and in those situation I will tend to prefer softer bounce technique rather than harder diffused technique when using only ONE Speedlite and shooting on the hop, in tight or cluttered quarters.
Remembering that these particular two Lighting Techniques were suggested BECAUSE of the physical situation/location of the Subject and Camera and also considering was only ONE on Camera Speedlite – and (I assume) not the availability or time or staff to construct and employ makeshift Studio Lighting Set, on-site.
The Catch Light Card didn’t hit as much of the eye as I would have expected, but maybe the Hat’s Brim knocked out a bit of the Catch Light Card’s punch or another reason (read on). If the Hat Brim played a part ibn the lack of pop in the eyes - I suggest the reason is probably the Flash was situated just slightly above or level to, the brim of the hat?
If there is an opportunity to use the other technique in the same location (i.e. bounce backwards and upwards onto a wall and ceiling behind, then that would be a good idea for you to do – just to get practice at the techniques and to become accustomed with a pattern of reasonable expectations, before you make the shot.
There’s really no “artistic critique” that I can give – the image is both a typical and an expected result from using a particular Lighting Technique with ONE On Camera Speedlite - (and as I described to achieve particular outcomes: i.e. no shadows on the wall when the Subject is located close to the wall and very soft shadows on the face due to the Hat’s Brim).
Whether you (or anyone) wants that result “artistically suitable”, is simply open to personal taste.
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A few technical comments for your consideration:
1. > You seem to have quite a bit of AMBIENT LIGHT exposure in the shot; note the technique of bouncing straight up, ‘uses up’ a lot of the ‘flash power‘.
As a result of the amount of AMBIENT LIGHT in your final exposure the face is a tad soft.
Note that for the Group of Swimmers in the Airport I mentioned that I was probably pulling ISO1600; so don’t be reluctant to bump the ISO so you can get maximum benefit (i.e. maximum “effectiveness”) from the FLASH so it can at least match of (better) slightly OVERPOWER the AMBIENT light in the scene. Th0e amount of Ambient Light, relative to the amount of Flash Light in your final the Exposure also could account for the lack of Mid Tone Contrast and lack of Modelling that I would have expected to see.
2. > I also expect that you picked up a bit of SUBJECT MOVEMENT using 1/60th sec as the Shutter Speed
3. > (from 1 & 2 above) I'll make an educated guess: you pulled that shot at F/5.6 @ 1/60ths @ ISO200, but I think F/5.6 @ 1/200ths @ ISO400 would have been closer to the mark, because, those exposure parameters would have:
a) killed ⅔Stop of Ambient Exposure (reason - Increase Tv by 1⅔Stop + increase ISO by 1Stop)
b) arrested any Head Movement (and/or Camera Movement) captured by the Ambient Exposure ( reason - Tv at 1//200s – NOT 1/60s)
c) provided 1 Stop more of “flash power” (reason - Aperture constant + increase ISO 1 Stop)
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3. > I suggest that you consider posing the Torso in ¼ Profile (i.e NOT ½ Profile), the reason being is that when the Torso is in¼ Profile there is less tension and less turning in the NECK to move the Head to achieve “Face Front”.
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(Briefly a PP comment) - BUT reiterating that the above technical comments are, IMO, one-hundred fold more important than this PP - because basically the result of the PP below is close to what I would have wanted SOOC: i.e. more flash exposure and less ambient exposure.
I’d boost the mid tone contrast a bit; put a bit of pop into the eyes; dodge a bit of the shadow from the hat and under the nose. Here is a rough and the original is on the left:
WW