The Last Enemy

[Tronhard]

These are not a great pictures, they could be considered not even good pictures, but they have a lot of meaning for me and I have to express that somehow...

My partner of almost twenty years is dying and I cannot do anything to stop it. I have always been the one who fixed things for her but I cannot fix this. In 2015 she was diagnosed with breast cancer that had progressed very quickly. She had an operation within six weeks of the diagnosis and the expectation was then that she would be clear of it. Since then she has lead a super healthy lifestyle - really simply improving on what she had already: she grew her own organic food, was a vegetarian, cycled to work 16km most days, paddle boarded and did pump and Pilates classes. She was a picture of fitness and health and the cancer physicians used her as an exemplar of what one can do if one has been stricken.

Alas, the cancer was in fact throughout her body, but in amounts so minute the scans did not pick it up and she looked so healthy no-one thought anything but she was cured. But it was growing everywhere. Another lump appeared over Christmas and as a precaution they removed it in early February and had it analyzed - it was malignant. A full scan revealed its progress throughout her bones and her liver. The surgeon delivered what was essentially a death sentence the same day our landlords told us they were selling our apartment and we have to move out.

She has been incredibly brave... she wanted to know the plain unvarnished facts, as she put it "I will take the bullet in the face" and has been determined to make the most of her time and fight this last enemy to the finish. Initially they said she had months, but the oncologist said that with on-going chemo and radiation therapy that may stretch out to a year or two, but of course these come with side effects. We had a dark week when the whole thing overwhelmed her, but she has come through that and now there are just bouts of despair as she is overwhelmed with setbacks, such as when drugs cause reactions or today when they had to remove another lump. She is getting amazing support from her medical team and a couple of hospice charities that offer physical and emotional support.

She is working half time now - as an academic her work is a big part of her life and she finds a lot of self-value in what she does - and she is doing amazing things: creating a whole new degree structure at her university, something that few people get to do in their careers, so she sees this as her legacy and wants to see it through for as long as possible. I will do everything I can to let her fulfill her ambitions.

I am her helper: doing whatever I can to organize and manage our forced move, managing the home front and being her chauffeur when she has to go to medical appointments. I am also there when she is afraid, depressed or angry: all those emotions that one must feel under these conditions.

I also take her to her early morning paddle board sessions. This one ran from 7:00am to 8:00am, so we had to be up about 5:30am to get her there with her gear to go on afterwards to work. At this stage of the year the days are shortening fast so the sun was just rising towards the end of her last session for this series. Outwardly, apart from a limp from her infected bones, she is appears a picture of health: she still cycles and paddle boards and that takes me to this photo. That is when i took this image...



She had to leave her group early to get back, she isn't as fast as she used to be because her swollen liver is compressing her right lung and reduces her aerobic capacity. I saw her coming towards me as the sun rose behind her, with her physio beside her to make sure she was OK. I took the image just as her physio peeled off to go back to the group and the symbolism of that moment hit me hard. She is the one on the left with the orange top. The life-giving warmth and of the sun was behind her, as she paddled steadfastly towards the darkness, leaving her companions behind her. I took this as the tears poured down my face.

This last photo, taken while I waited for her, reminds me that each day is precious and there is beauty in the most humble of events, like a sunrise on the still waters of a bay in Auckland...



I hope that when my time comes I will face it with a fraction of the courage that she does...

[george013]

I can only wish you both a lot of strength.

George

[Donald]

I think you know, Trev, that that was a journey I and Sheila were on that ended on 31st December 2014.

It's bloody hard. I will think of you often. Just be there for each other. And if there are things you want to do, do them now. There may not be time later.

[Tronhard]

I think you know, Trev, that that was a journey I and Sheila were on that ended on 31st December 2014.

It's bloody hard. I will think of you often. Just be there for each other. And if there are things you want to do, do them now. There may not be time later.

Thank you Donald. As always your comments are inciteful and wise.

We have talked over what we will do and how we hope to do it, but of course no-one knows how the timing will go yet. It is her first chemo cycle, she is working harder than usual to divest herself of all but her most critical responsibilities and, of course, we have to move house next week.

Luckily we have some family and a bunch of friends who will help us that and will be there for her. Life will get easier when we are moved and can settle back to a regular pattern of living. She wants to work for as long as she can, and when that is no longer possible we will move to another part of NZ by some gorgeous national parks and in a place we can afford to buy - Auckland's prices are averaging over $1m now. I will take her to places that she and I always wanted to enjoy and be there when she cannot go anywhere.

[billtils]

Thank you Trev. As the (possibly apocryphal) Chinese proverb goes "It is better to travel than arrive" and I wish you all the best for the travels that you have planned - may they bring you all you wish.

[Shadowman]

You've started a nice collection of memorable images.

[Manfred M]

Trev - that is very distressing news. Words fail me. But you both making the best of it and at this point, that is really the only route that is open to both of you.

Georgette had breast a breast cancer diagnosis in 2012 and went through the full works; surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. We were warned that the type of cancer she had was not treatable with the various wonder drugs one reads about and there was a risk that it could come back with a vengeance within a couple of years. That drove our decision to retire early because we wanted to ensure some quality time in case that happened.

So far she has been one of the lucky ones and the treatment appears to have worked. She had her final appointment with her oncologist late last year and no sign of the cancer 5 years after here last treatment is considered to be a good sign. When I read about stories like yours, I am very happy with the way things have turned out for us.

[RBSinTo]

Trev,
I have no words of wisdom or likely any words that will comfort you and your partner, other than to say every day is precious.
I am in awe of your collective attitude and courage, and you are in my thoughts.
Robert

[lovelife65]

Trev,
beautiful images, and a beautiful heart breaking narrative. I am so sorry to read this.
You both are in our thoughts.... seems trite to say that, but I have no other words.

[skitterbug]

My heart hurts for you and your partner.........

[joebranko]

So sorry to hear this Trev.

[Rita]

Your post touches the heart. So sorry that you are both going through this most difficult time.

[RandyRFJP]

I am deeply sorry to learn of such sad news befalling you and your partner. Both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[rpcrowe]

I walked along roughly the same road with my first wife, Joyce in 1988. We (she and I and even her oncologist) were ready to say that she was cleared of the breast cancer which had been first diagnosed and operated on in 1982. We found out that the cancer had invaded her entire body in the Fall of 1987. On Thanksgiving, we took a several day trip to San Francisco (a place she had always wanted to visit) and she was able to do the typical tourist things. By Christmas, she was too weak to walk next door to our neighbor's home. By March, she had passed away.

Our prayers and thoughts are with you... Keep yourself as healthy as you can and take care of yourself. It is during times like this that we are most vulnerable to both physical and mental ills.

[Cantab]

Hi Trevor,
Jennifer and I were very sad to learn the news about your partner. Our thoughts and prayers will be with both of you. I hope your own physical health has recovered and that your imminent move goes smoothly.
Bruce

[mugge]

Trevor, I am so sorry to hear this. I am thinking of you.
Ole

[JBW]

You have both found the ultimate love of total sharing. As hard as this time is for you two it is my prayer is that it will be a time of love, compassion, passion and friendship for both of you and all of your friends and family.
Brian

[lunarbo]

Trev-
You were kind enough to welcome me to the forum a few weeks ago despite your troubles.
I have so much admiration for your amazing partner who is squeezing every drop of joy from life for as long as it shall be granted to her and for you who are finding the strength to share this time together.
May you both be comforted by the love and friendship of family and friends around you, as well as the strong wishes of total strangers such as myself, half a world away.
Bo

[KimC]

Trev, your entry is written with such love and compassion. I have no doubt you both will cherish the time you have left together. My prayers are with you.

[James G]

Trev,
You know my story too. Like Donald, I haved trod the path you are on. I actually should say 'we' since like your partner, Janet refused to let a day go by without finding the joy in it.
There is no advice I can give, except you both find all the happiness that you can now. You will both be in my thoughts and prayers.
James