99 - an erotic moment in my sad life... (adult content)

[rob marshall]

For those of you poor souls who are not party to the great British cultural traditions, a '99' is an ice-cream cone with a Cadbury flake stuffed in it. A Cadbury Flake is one of these http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flake_%28chocolate%29 UK fashion models earnt a tidy sum in the 1960's and 1970's doing Flake TV ads, which mostly involved them scantily clad walking through wheat fields with a Flake the placing their lips over it. You get the drift? No? well have a look at this.



I was visiting a heritage property a few weeks ago, and I bought a 99 at the end of my visit from the tea-room. The lady who served me was very sweet, pretty, and aged about 40. My wife was standing behind me.

The tea-room lady started by donning a pair of bright blue rubber gloves! My imagination started to wander. A reassuring hand on my back from my wife silently spoke the words "steady, boy, steady..."

Cafe-lady scooped the ice-cream into the cone and presented it to me, without the flake! The following dialogue is probably accurate, but possibly bears the taint of sexual ambition unfulfilled.

Rob: You forgot the flake.
Cafe-lady: Sorry! Give it back to me and I'll put it in for you.
Rob: I'll hold it for you. (I held the cone firmly on the counter with both hands)
Cafe-lady (grasping a flake): I hate doing this bit.
Rob: It's the best bit, I find.
Cafe-lady (starting to insert flake): It's very hard...
Rob: The flake?
Cafe-lady: No, silly, the ice-cream.
Rob: Don't worry, I have a firm grip.
Cafe-lady: Can I press it harder?
Rob: Oh, yes, I think so.
Cafe-lady: The ice-cream is melting...
Rob: Must be the heat.
Cafe-lady: Shall I push it all the way?
Rob: Yes, yes, all the way...
Cafe-lady: I've spilt it on your hand.
Rob: I'll lick it off...

Finally, she had it inserted. I turned to my wife, who for for some reason had her hands on her hips and was giving me a strange look. Several people in the cafe were also staring at me. Can't figure why.

You see the trouble you get into when you are retired early and have nothing useful to fill the void.

So here is my tribute shot for that erotic moment (which I must confess was very enjoyable)

[GlenM]

Rob,
Funniest thing I have read for ages!
Glen

[stevewe88]

Hilarious Rob.

I would have been the guy nearby with his shoulders rocking being far too polite to laugh out loud for fear of being the only one finding it funny.

[rob marshall]

Rob,
Funniest thing I have read for ages!
Glen

I bought a Twirl bar today (sort of a double Flake). And my wife said accusingly "Why did you buy that?"

[MiniChris]

That's too funny...do you think she ever even had an inkling?

[Camellia]

Brilliant! You've put a smile on my face Rob

[ilovelucydog]

Oh my gosh... you're killing me here.

[rob marshall]

That's too funny...do you think she ever even had an inkling?

You're kidding. She was enjoying it as much as I was. And she had the fun of wearing the rubber gloves.

[Sahil]

Ha!
Funny indeed.. I am sure the Cafe lady also must have posted it on some forum.
Or she does that everyday?

[Wirefox]

Rob

It sounds as if it was written for Sid James and Barbara Windsor...Carry on Tea Rooms. This is in the same league as Mrs Slocombe's pussy (its a cat, its a cat..so no letters to the editor please)

An absolute classic and the very best of British double entendre. Rubber glove fetish eh? - a Welsh prerogative I suppose

[rob marshall]

It sounds as if it was written for Sid James and Barbara Windsor...Carry on Tea Rooms.

Barbara Windsor? Far too refined for the likes of me. I always preferred Hatti Jaques myself, especially when she was in rubber gloves as a matron...

Gee, I really know how to take this forum down to the bottom of the pit...

[Katy Noelle]

Yes, Rob, I have to admit - that's the very dregs - but don't worry - I think Steve started it, this time. pffttthhhbbbt! (To both of you, in case you're wondering.)

[RonH]

Hey Rob ... you really are on a roll
er ... and you also ...

[rob marshall]

Yes, Rob, I have to admit - that's the very dregs

And what colour rubber gloves do you wear, my dear?

[Wirefox]

that's the very dregs - but don't worry - I think Steve started it

Hey we grew up on this stuff in the UK. This is what puts the Great in Great Britain. Carry on up the Khyber is a cinematographic masterpiece. It is right up there with Confessions of a Window Cleaner and On the Buses - the movie. Whilst Charlton Heston was rocketing around the amphitheatre in Ben Hur Kenneth williams was being chased around the bed pan by Hatty Jaques. Ben Hur is not in the same league I am afraid. You will be saying Benny Hill is degrading to women next

[Katy Noelle]

And what colour rubber gloves do you wear, my dear?

http://catchingfireflies.com/product...loveables.html

...but, please don't tell....

Rob Marshall, you are a bad influence!!!

[Katy Noelle]

Ben Hur is not in the same league I am afraid. You will be saying Benny Hill is degrading to women next

I'm too tired to remember who Benny Hill is... This is when I get myself into BIG trouble - off I go....

[dogald]

Thanks...this made my day, hilarious.

[wilgk]

Is it just me - or is anyone else thinking they will never look at an ice cream or flake in quite the same way ever again?
I can picture you with a totally dead pan voice all the while
And I do love Hatty J myself - I'm sure it's subliminally why I chose a career path that led to a hospital..

[rob marshall]

Is it just me - or is anyone else thinking they will never look at an ice cream or flake in quite the same way ever again?

Funny you should say that. My shot above of the 99 was taken on a different, and later occasion to the original incident. I was aware when I ate it that I had slipped into a deep trance-like reverie brought on by the subliminal Freudian messages coming from the ice-cream I was eating. It was also at a National Trust site (different one) which just reinforced the fetish I have now developed for a 99. I was only rescued from this delusional chimera of joy by the sound of loud face-slapping, and my wife screaming at me "STOP! you miserable little ******, I know what you are doing..."

Women, you can't fool 'em, you know.